I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
