Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
