he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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