I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
And then he peed in my hair
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