drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
