I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
