She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
