I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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