Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
