Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
