he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize