I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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