(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
