I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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