just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
