True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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