Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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