We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just had sex on a roof
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize