just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
