I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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