I accidentally had phone sex last night
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
