Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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