i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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