I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
