I feel like abortions should bother me more
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
