I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
