Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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