A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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