Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
