if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just had sex bonerless
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
