i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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