I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize