Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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