why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
PANTIES FOUND
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