drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
