I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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