sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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