the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
