we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
