With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
