he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
