New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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