Jerry, you need to find god
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
