Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
