I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
