Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
