dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
