i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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