So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
