I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
