Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
