Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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