Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
