Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
