last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
