Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
