A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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