Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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