please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
