My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
