so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
