I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
