Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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