wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
