She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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