"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
