pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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