Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
