What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
