I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
