I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
