Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
